One is Not a Number
by SWaddict1986
Summary: Squall visits Rinoa in the infirmary and his thoughts carry him from Garden to Esthar to space. Songfic set to the song One is Not a Number by Hate to Have to Go Back


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, or its characters; That's all Squaresoft & their people. I also don't own the song "One is Not a Number." That song is sung by the guys in Hate to Have to Go Back.

**A/N:**Set to the lyrics "One is Not a Number" by Hate to Have to Go Back, which isn't a band anymore, so there really is not way to listen to the song if you really wanted to :( Their lead singer, Joe, told me once that it was all right for me to use their lyrics for a songfic, so the song is basically used with permission.

Also, I say "God damn it" here, which is not something I would normally say/write/condone, but I needed to keep Squall in character, so I did it.

I would love to know what people think of it :) I was having problems with the italics and stuff, so if something seems odd, tell me and I'll fix it.

* * *

One, you take to think of  
One reason why one life  
Should go on one more day 

_Why should I go on with life? You're lying here, practically lifeless. You're not responding to anything. I don't know what's wrong with you, and no one here can help you._

_You had given me reason to live. Before, I worked mindlessly towards the Garden goal, and then you came into my life. Now, without you here, I feel like I've lost my purpose_

And I am lost,  
I can't find a reason  
It all seems so deceiving  
I don't know where you are.

_God damn it, Rinoa, I feel so hopeless. Say something, do something, show that you know that I'm here! It's unfair that you were the one targeted when you did nothing. __**I'm**__ the one who was supposed to fight, that was something I was trained to do. You just…got in the way. _

And I'll think about the rain sometimes  
The sun, the moon  
And how they shine  
Everything we had together  
Seems to slip away

_We didn't have much time together, not enough memories. And I used to think you were a real pain in my ass, but you grew on me, Rinoa. Now we can't do all those things I know you would want to do, like go outside at night and lay under the stars. I know you would have liked to do that._

And all these bittersweet memories  
There's nothing left here for me

_You had made my life worth living; you gave my heart an animation I never knew it had and I can feel that energy dying as you continue to lay lifeless._

It's obvious to me  
I can see that I-  
I don't know where you are.

_Where are you, Rinoa? I know you're still alive, but it seems like your soul has been taken away from me. You've left me here to care for a comatose body that doesn't respond to my touch, to my voice…everything that made you who you were, everything that filled me with joy about you doesn't exist right now._

And one is the place of many things,  
And one is the root of all that begins,  
And one is the only thing that's left

_I'm…I'm all alone now. I feel more alone than I did before you came into my life; now I know how it is to have someone else there. I'm alone…_

'Cause there has to be something there  
To point out  
The fact that everything else is gone,  
The fact that everything else went wrong.

_Ellone can help. She's allowed us to go into the past, to see what happened and maybe…if she can let me see what happened to you we can help you. She can help us, Rinoa, we can go find out what's wrong._

What am I supposed to do,  
When I cannot be here with you?

_You were the only one to break me out of my seclusion. The others tried, but none of them pierced my heart the way you did. I have to get you to Ellone, I can't live without you._

And I, I'm looking in your eyes  
I'm trying not to cry  
You're right in front of me,  
But I can't touch you.

_I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to…damn it! NO! I have to stay strong for you. I have to get you away from here. I have to get help so I can hear your voice again, so you can respond to my touch again. So I can tell you…so I can tell you how I feel._

And I sigh;  
I don't know where my home is,

_I really would be lost without you. You at least made my friends see that I'm not "Squall Leonheartless" that others believe me to be._

And no one seems to notice that I'm gone  
They don't care-  
But I'll be fine!

_I hope it'll be a while before they find out that I've taken you. I hope I get to Ellone before they realize it. It won't happen; they care too much about you. But this is something _I_ need to do, not them. They don't care about you the way I do. I need to fix this._

'Cause I,  
Remind myself that one,  
One is not a number.  
It's a state of being  
The state of being on my own.

_I haven't felt so alone in a while. I forgot how much this feeling sucked. You were such a huge part of me, and I didn't completely realize it. The others may still be here, but I still feel as alone as I used to._

Remind myself that I've learned,  
One is not a number.  
It's a state of being  
All on my own.

_They came to help, Rinoa. They all came to help you, and you know what? I'm not alone. I'm not just one person who cares about you; I'm part of a group that does. And, you know me, I don't like accepting help, but I think I'll let them help me with you. Anything to get you back. And…anything to get rid of this feeling that has surfaced since we fought Edea._

When you hope!

Well then yesterday,  
It occurred to me  
I'm only half as good  
As I used to be

_I hate myself for not realizing this before, but you complete me, Rinoa Heartilly. You made me a better person than I used to be. And when you left us, when your spirit left us with just your body to look after, I started to shrink back to that person. The person who didn't believe he had any friends, the person who did things on his own. I'm glad the others came to show me what an ass I was; I don't know if I could have gotten you to Esthar without their help._

Take what you got,  
And then hold on  
What's here today,  
Tomorrow is gone

_I'm trying to hold on to you as long as I can. You can't leave me, not yet. There's so much we haven't done, so much I haven't told you. I promise you, Rinoa, I'll never make that mistake again. I can't afford to be in this panic again. All of my training was thrown out the door when I saw you falter. And I promise, I swear on all of the gods and goddesses, I swear on my GFs, on Ellone, on you that if you get out of this all right…I promise to open up a bit more, to tell my friends that I really do care about them. I promise, just come back._

In one second,  
One minute;  
One hour,  
One day.

One week  
One month,  
One year,  
One life

_You're still here though; I haven't lost you yet. But I might, and I don't know when that'll be. If Ellone can't help you, then it'll be sooner; if she can help, it'll be later. I pray it's the latter. It scares me, Rinoa. I'd never voice it, but it scares me that I don't know what's going to happen when we're in space and there may not be a chance of saving you._

To throw it all away

(All-a-way!)

_I don't remember a time when I was as rash as I was, when I did something without thinking it through. But I had to leave, Rinoa, I had to be with you. I would have rather died with you so you wouldn't be alone, then live and force myself to believe I couldn't have done anything. I'd throw my life away for you if it meant there was a chance of saving you, or at least making sure you weren't alone. Neither one of us is alone now._

Well then yesterday,  
It occurred to me  
I'm only half as good  
As I used to be

_Rinoa…I almost left you. I'm so ashamed to even think it, but there it is. The others convinced me to escape the base with them and I almost…I almost…_

_I almost left you behind. God, I hate that. I'm a damned leader and a leader never leaves if one of his men is down. And you're better than any of the people who have been under my command. Yes, I love my friends and I would go back to save them, but I would choose you over them. When I realized that I was really leaving you behind, I knew I had to leave the pod and go get you._

_And now I'm here with you._

Take what you got,  
And then hold on  
What's here today,  
Tomorrow is gone  
In one…

_Our oxygen is running low, but I honestly don't care. I don't know if we'll make it out of here alive, or if our bodies will float aimlessly in space forever. But honestly, as long as I'm here with you, holding you, I'll be okay. I don't want to lose you again and I promise to hold on to you as long as I possibly can._


End file.
